Forum :: Lounge :: Please comment and critic my story begining?

wrote it myselff

~~Rehabilitation~~

A bright operating light hovered over Kiyoko as she awoke, making her squint her eyes. as her eyes adjusted she took in her sorroundings; she noticed she was strapped down to a operating table nude her long brown hair sprawled around her, looking around she saw test tubes, scaples, snow white walls, and wires. she also noticed somewhere came a low rythmatic beeping sound, following the beating of her heart. Kiyoko knew this room all to well and immidiatly began to panic, she grunted as she struggled against the metal restraints holding her down. `No!` she yelled mentaly feeling fear rise into the pit of her stomatch. Trying desperatly to escape the restraints her wrists began bleeding from rubbing against the metal and she let out a small cry of pain and fustration. As she struggled her heart monitor's beep became more rapid. "LET ME GO!!!" she screamed squeezing her eyes shut. She shot them open at the sound of approaching footsteps, there stood a tall man in a white doctor's coat, a scaple in hand.

"How has my faverite patient ben?" He questioned a twisted grin on his face. Kiyoko's pupils dialated as the man stood over her, hovering the scaple over her abdomen. Kiyoko stared up at him with begging fearful eyes.

"please don-AAAAAAAAAAH!" She screamed in pure agony as her stomatch was sliced open and crimson blood spilled from the cut. Kiyoko grinded her teeth in pain, she was used to pain, she had built up a tolerance so the sensation did not last long and soon after she felt a warm tingling , almost as soon as the cut had ben made did it start to heal itself and close up.

"Hm impressive, your body seems to be regenerating itself quicker." The doctor said and took down notes onto a clipbord. "Now," He said putting down the clip board and grabbing a saw he turned back to the scared tormented girl. "Lets see what happens when we cut off a hand." Kiyoko squeezed her eyes shut, letting a few tears escape her crystal blue eyes as his malicious laughter filled the room.

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Insomniac:I like how in the lounges forum description sausage says "Bitches go crazy." and that's
exactly what you do!
Pixel artist | Mapping artist | Alternative artist | Heavenly Karma | oldbie | top 50  |
Attention whore | main player |

too long,didn't read.sorry

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| Main player | Mapping artist | Alternative artist | Godly karma | Oldbie | i have my
own class named bacon | bacon | Top 50 |

skype : super.serj/steam : superserj2

Serj posted: (8th Feb 2013, 01:19 pm)

too long,didn't read.sorry

uh thats the point of it being a story isnt it?

why comment if u didnt read it?

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Insomniac:I like how in the lounges forum description sausage says "Bitches go crazy." and that's
exactly what you do!
Pixel artist | Mapping artist | Alternative artist | Heavenly Karma | oldbie | top 50  |
Attention whore | main player |

So far, i'm interested... continue.

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I forgot what I was going to write...

you say 'ben' but it should be 'been'. also spellcheck

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hi guise

Please continue with your story i want to read more of this poor human being tortured by a psycho.

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Why? I don't know. Why you don't know? I don't know. O_O

Proper grammar must be included in the story for it to be successful. Learn to spell before posting shit on here. It's "beginning" not begining. Thought I should shed some wisdom on your sad ass story.

Goddamn moonie. You can't spell for shit can you? I'll help you out. First it's surrounding not sorrounding. 2: it's an operating table not a operating table. 3: it's. Favorite not faverite. 4: it's been not Ben. Wow, I've come to the conclusion that most of you people on eoserv are idiots.

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The 2nd Best in the world.

They say the stories people write reflect the persons psychology. I hope that's not how you're feeling with any of your relationships. 

Her eyes dilated*

Pretty good stuff.

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I not hacker

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its
whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein : Really Great Quote Ramy!

Radioactive posted: (8th Feb 2013, 04:21 pm)

Proper grammar must be included in the story for it to be successful. Learn to spell before posting shit on here. It's "beginning" not begining. Thought I should shed some wisdom on your sad ass story.

Goddamn moonie. You can't spell for shit can you? I'll help you put. First it's surrounding not sorrounding. 2: it's an operating table not a operating table. 3: it's. Favorite not faverite.

And guess what radioactive, it probably took you twenty minutes to correct all of your errors in your response. And guess what? I still found an errors in your comment.

1) "I'll hep you put."

2) You do not start a sentence with "2:" or "3:".

3) Capitalize your words at the start of a sentence. "3: it's."

4) Learn how to use commas.

5) I could copy over all of your misspellings and grammatical errors from your rant on the "OMFG LOL" topic but that would only disorganize this topic. 

Waited for your sorry ass to come on before I posted this.

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Former multi-server mapper.

Lol you're an idiot misca. I'm going to write in language that even you can understand. Why you no go to school? Go to English class bud.

lmfao way to edit my quote. Smh you are sad my friend. For one I put out instead of put. Secondly, I used commas for it's. Lmfao you must be mad. You have to be for trying to edit my quote. XD Also learn to start a sentence off properly before trying to make me look bad. It's " I have waited, not waited.

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The 2nd Best in the world.

Radioactive posted: (8th Feb 2013, 07:05 pm)

Lol you're an idiot misca. I'm going to write in language that even you can understand. Why you no go to school? Go to English class bud.

Coming from the person who can't even capitalize proper names such as "Misca". Oh wait, I wouldn't expect you to know how to write a sentence seeing as how you use made up words. Why would I need to go to school, I already have an IQ of 143 and am almost have way to obtaining my BBA and double minors in CS and Philosophy. Oh wait, you probably can't comprehend what those abbreviations mean. Why don't you go to Google and come back with comebacks that you find there?

Humorous, I edited your quote? You must be pretty pathetic claiming that. Can't wait for an admin to come on and prove that all you did was edit your own comment afterwards to make yourself look like the insignificant fool you are.

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Former multi-server mapper.

Lmfao. Misca you are an idiot. You have an IQ of 143 but you spend most of your time on here? Lmfao I call bullshit. Either way, you're a lying little boy. You should come back when you have something intelligent to say. "And am almost" lmao. Yeah you certainly have an iq of 143. Learn to check your rants beforehand.

I can't wait for an admin. That's how you start a sentence off correctly. You're pathetic.

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The 2nd Best in the world.

Radioactive posted: (8th Feb 2013, 07:13 pm)

Lmfao. Misca you are an idiot. You have an IQ of 143 but you spend most of your time on here? Lmfao I call bullshit. Either way, you're a lying little boy. You should come back when you have something intelligent to say. "And am almost" lmao. Yeah you certainly have an iq of 143. Learn to check your rants beforehand.

Again, using made up words. Too slow in the head to use a dictionary? You can call whatever you want, I sit on a laptop during my downtime between classes when I don't have any upcoming tests. Little boy? According to the age that you put on your "Destructoid@gmail.com" I am by far older than you.

And you're trying to correct me on how to start sentences? You make a sentence of "Lmfao." which for one, is not a real word, and second does not follow the noun-verb sentence structure.

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Former multi-server mapper.

Hmm? What words did I make up. You can tell that you feel bad about your insults. You feel so bad that you click on my profile just to try and find some ammunition. Lol what a sad and pathetic little man. You said you've been waiting for me to post something in this topic. You're a stalker and that proves you have no life. You're beneath me and I don't even know why I'm writing to an incompetent fool like you.

lmfao is not a real word but you type "lol" when you find something funny. Thanks for proving to others that you're a stupid hypocrite. Inb4 quote is edited again. You see misca. You can't even spell "edited" correctly. Wtf is "editted "?

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The 2nd Best in the world.

Radioactive posted: (8th Feb 2013, 07:20 pm)

Hmm? What words did I make up. You can tell that you feel bad about your insults. You feel so bad that you click on my profile just to try and find some ammunition. Lol what a sad and pathetic little man. You said you've been waiting for me to post something in this topic. You're a stalker and that proves you have no life. You're beneath me and I don't even know why I'm talking to an incompetent fool like you.

noun

You might want to look up what the word stalker means. The words that you have made up are as follows: Lmao; Lol. First you call me a little boy and now a little man, either you are admitting you were wrong in the first place or your tiny little brain finally comprehended that I am older than you. How am I beneath you, unlike you I actually have friends both in real life and online, whereas from what I can tell you are hated in both communities.

When did I say "Lol"? The only time word check finds it is in one of your comments. And before you go and say I edited it, I have a screenshot before I even posted all of my comments and before you even changed your comments.

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Former multi-server mapper.